God first.

I must admit this: I might as well be giving God last place if I'm not giving Him first place.

I know I talk a lot of trash on this blog. I write about silly and important things alike. But I don't do much God talk. I will say that I am confused. No, not in what I believe; but how it all comes together as I move forward in life. My parents can be fanatics at times. Mom is a devout Christian. I do not use that loosely. So often times, I associate conflict with my mom as conflict with God. She seems to have a head start on that "great relationship." So it seems I'm always one step behind. She also tells me to pray and read my Bible EVERY time I have an issue. Sometimes I just want to talk to my mother...just as mother and daughter. So I guess, when I get frustrated (and in a childish way - out of spite), the last place I go is to where my mom sent me.

But enough is enough. I'm 22 years old damnit. This has got to be a personal thing for me if it's gonna be anything at all. Whether or not I pray, or read my Bible, or go to church is all on me. In all fairness it has been on me for a while, but I can't keep making excuses, or letting someone be a scapegoat, for my sub-par relationship with God.

Don't get it twisted. We talk. All the time. It's just not in the traditional sense of getting down on my knees every morning and night, our father yadayadayada. Lately we've been having this argument. I'm trying to understand...

I will say this though, those weeks when I was reading the Purpose Driven Life were some of the clearest weeks of my life. So I decided to pick up some old books I found in my growing library. I'm starting with "The Power of a Praying Woman." Hopefully I feel empowered. I need to stop trying to make God first place and just put Him there. So, finally, after years of fighting it, phony efforts, putting other people first, not caring about much of anything, caring too much about all the wrong things, etc...I'm putting God first. I know this is a pretty week symbol of my commitment, but here it is in writing. Not 1.5th place, not second. what's that saying? second place is nothing but the first loser. Can't have that now can we?

So I'll keep you posted on my progress. There would be no me without God.