Yep.

Hey people. Yeah, I know I've been M.I.A.

I've been going through some life changes that I can't really write about. Not because I don't want to...but I don't know how to. Yall know I put waaay too much info on this blog (I noticed that the other day when I was reading old posts).

I've decided that instead of writing about me...I'm gonna write about other people. So pardon the departure from Ms Narcelo, as I place the spotlight on YOU(...or not). But just before we cut me out the picture for the next couple of months, here are some updates:

.

Well that was quick and easy. Well I'm back to blogging. I am mighty depressed about the celtics....no worries I have a very angry blog coming out about that one.

In the meantime...enjoy the shitty weather. MWAH.

Friends

It's been a while since I got that "right one time" phone call. You know, the one that interrupts your sadness and makes you smile. And It doesn't have to be so dramatic - it could just be that you missed your bus and train and someone called and talks to you while you wait. But the key is that you can't make the phone call. And no, I'm not talking about a text message. It seems that nowadays we are all afraid of hearing each others voices. It's like somehow, a phone call has become too personal? (I'm sorry, but facebook, twitter, or aim can never replace spoken conversation)

But all this got me thinking about friends and their roles in my life. I think I can put most of my friends in different categories.

I have friends who seem to only be interested in my life when it's drama filled. And isn't that normal? I mean, drama is exciting, isn't it? It's human nature- I think. But the bigger question is: do I do this? I try to stay interested in the good things going on in my friends' lives and stay supportive.

I have friends who like my ADD and silliness (or who think it's entertaining). And that's it. It's a problem if I'm not smiling, or not bouncing off the walls, and chances are they won't stick around long enough to find out what's wrong (if there even is anything wrong).



umm okay I'm feeling sicker than I did when I started this post, so I'm gonna have to continue tomorrow. Please PLEASE don't be the flu...even though this fever is stating otherwise....

shoot.

excitement

Yo! I'm really starting to believe I got problems! Haha! nosah. So I had the regular "ed corner" last night and we were discussing my current...ummm...physical dilemma. Then he said, aside from my vitamin deficiency, ya girl (me) just wants some EXCITEMENT! For me, that's change, something new, something old...whatever. LOL! I'm tripping on that shit for real. But honestly tho, do I revive the roster? hmmmm.

But I'm sitting here discussing nothing. What's really good with going out tomorrow!? I'm tryna have an action packed day ALL ABOUT ME! Hmm I think I'm gonna go to the mall today so I can be fresh tomorrow. (I'm clearly rambling on my blog right now...don't be a hater.) I was thinking we should crash that birthday party at vintage. AND! I actually wouldn't mind going to the park or to the Museum tomorrow afternoon. Who's with me!? AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Onward!!!!

(I'm gonna go take my meds now)

HOME, HEAD, HEART, HIPS

I was watching the Oprah Show with my mom last week. They did an episode on making your life clutter free. If you know me...well...ummm...then you've seen my room. I will clean the bathroom on my hands and knees, and scrub around the faucet heads of the kitchen sink. My mother taught us to clean the fridge out weekly - every Thursday. The oil has a special spot under the fridge (a cardboard and plastic bag holder to insure that oil doesn't stain the wood). What I am trying to say is that I have been trained to be OCD with the cleaning thing. You use something? You bring it back to it's original state (most definitely a clean one) and you put it back. EVERYTHING has it's place.

I've seen the result of my mother's compulsion in each of my family member's lives. My Dad takes his time to put everything away...all the time. He takes his shirt off and folds it. My oldest sister has a pretty much spotless house...always. My brother does not allow shoes in his house. His two sons make it a little hard to always be tidy, but the house is clean. My little sister collects things...which can cause some clutter but she is more or less clean. One thing is sure: WE ALL KNOW HOW TO CLEAN.

Now let's talk about me. I will clean the kitchen, bathrooms, living room, floors, walls, and garden before I clean my own room. All the clutter comes to my room. Clothes strewn about, books in heaps all over my floor, and paper, paper, paper EVERYWHERE. So I did it. I dared to dig deeper and I found something about myself that I am afraid to face - so naturally, I have decided to blog it(?). I'm the last person on my list. I care about everything and everyone else and when I finish doing that I think of me. I'll clean the kitchen counter before I clean my desk. And it's not just about cleaning, I do it in most all of my relationships. I know it's not a bad thing to care about other people...but to what cost is it to me? I know, I know...maybe you've said this to me...but It's definitely much easier said than done, for someone who has spent a lifetime worrying about other people first. (I get it from my momma.)

Solution:

On Oprah, the guess psychologist (or whatever he was) said something that stuck with me (or maybe Oprah said it). HOME, HEAD, HEART, HIPS. They are all connected. Unless you are homeless (God forbid) your home is a daily and vital part of your life. A cluttered home is either a direct reflection of your head or will be the cause of a cluttered head. They are directly linked. I have lived an entire life in a cluttered room. It may not be dirty or filthy, just cluttered - but to what consequence on my well-being?

But I am getting older. I cannot be complacent any longer. I have done hours of self-analysis and have made some conclusions. I have decided to live clutter free. I will tidy up my space daily (and before anywhere else) and make my space a place where I can relax and enjoy. I am almost certain that clearing my space will help clear my head. If my head is clear than I can work on my heart. This is definitely in reference to my love life (or my non love life) but it is not limited to that. My "heart" is about my relationship with God foremost, family relationships, my friendships, my passions, and my happiness. Now I'm not looking for perfection in any of these categories, but I am looking for improvement. I want to continue working at all of these, as they help me define who I am. I strongly believe that God puts people in my life or in my path to teach me things about myself and grow...and maybe do the same for others.

Onto my hips. Most women (and I can attest) will notice that our home, head, and heart affect our hips. Either you eat when your stressed or you don't eat. It's been said that unhappy women add some inches to their waists. It's not uncommon. When I'm stressed I have terrible eating habits. I probably average 2 small meals a day when I'm stressed. When I'm happy I eat 3 square, healthy, balance, vegetarian meals a day. It usually provides for a healthy weight and a permanent smile on my face. BUT I AM STRESSED. My diet is terrible. I'm not eating my veggies and fruits, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not spending time preparing foods (mainly cuz MLA doesn't have a stove). And in the end that is just hurting me. So I've acquired a bad habit. If you know me, you know that I've been a health nut ever since I took a mini vacation 3 years ago. My health is vital - my diet is directly linked with my migraines(!). Migraines stress me out. (You see the cycle?)

So here is the plan:

I will keep MY space clean! This will help me think about MYSELF and help me have a place that I know I can always relax in.

I will spend 30 minutes a day on self-reflection (aka meditation). They say, the unexamined life is not worth living.

I will work at understanding all the important relationships in my life. This may be the biggest task - which is why I will take my time :). I have something to learn from everything and everyone...and I'm ready to absorb.

I need to go grocery shopping and start taking care of me! What happened to the health nut!? What happened to 75% raw foods!? what happened to the no junk food!? If I don't take care of me, who will? I'm teetering on the line of being self-less and careless. I have to care about me if I love myself. And I know I love myself, so why am I slacking. I'm definitely starting TODAY! There really is NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT!

Every day is a gift from God. Am I treasuring the gift or tossing it out?

What part of your life could you improve? Are your home, head, heart and hips in balance?

Discuss!

Emotional Rollercoaster

can't get off this ride.

I KNOW you have a boyfriend.

(that photo is not a shot at any ex or future boyfriends. just thought it was funny)

"Where are you?"

"I'm on the train. I'm gonna get cut off tho."

"Ok... let me know when you get home cause I cooked you some food."

"Word! Thanks Mamma!"

I head underground. I hop on the dreaded bus and hurry home. FOOOOOD! That's the way to my heart. Maybe that's why I love my mom so much. She always knows what to feed me when I need it most. And since I've been living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, apples, pizza, and fries, a home-cooked meal is GOLD! So she comes to my lil attic and delivers the containers of joy! (I'm gonna eat that for 2 days in a row - B. L. & D.)After I help her with some paper work, we watch Oprah together and she helps me with my hair. So I guess you can say we had a lil mother-daughter moment. To be honest I just love when people come visit me. Living by myself has its perks (walking around naked) and its pitfalls (walking around naked....alone) <---lol. When my mom told me she was leaving, the thought of her walking down those stairs and leaving me...alone...was tormenting me so I decided to go HOME HOME (Maine... but not really) just for the company.

We left MLA (*my lil attic* for future reference) to get my lil sister who was with my father. We get to the house and my dad calls me out the car...just to give me a hug?

"I should be the one hugging you so you don't have to find a guy on the street to do it"

He thinks this is hilarious. I'm a little irritated because he's hugging me so tight and he is squeezing my arms down, while we are walking down the uneven stairs. I'm also confused because my dad hasn't had a conversation with me in weeks. We dropped each other. I admit that our lack of communication is mutual, but he's the father in this situation. Then he says...

"I know you have a boyfriend. That's why you've dropped me. It's okay. It's only natural."

I don't have a boyfriend, dad.

"yeah...okay..."

no, really, I don't.

"Well if you don't have one at 22, when are you ever gonna have one!?"

He sounded disgusted. Like I had a disease. Like I was damaged. Like there was something wrong with me.

I don't want a boyfriend, dad.

"What!? you can't wait til your 31 you know...that's too late. You won't find anything good then."


This is a very common topic these days. Both my parents have been coming at me hard with this boyfriend mess. I don't even think about it until they bring it up. It's weird...idk. But what I do know is that for some reason, it felt different when my dad said this to me yesterday. It actually cut a lil deep. Maybe it was his timing, his tone, or the fact that he caught me off guard. Well, in all fairness they always catch me off guard so I should expect any conversation topic. But boyfriends...really!? if I knew life post college was gonna be all about getting me out their house for good, I would have stayed in high school.

What yall think? Should I be taking that boyfriend step right about now? C'mon you read my blog...you know where my head is at...

I say "no" off grip... but if it happens...then it happens. Hmmmm maybe I should do a pros and cons list... lol...sike that's too much work.

Flower Power!

Somebody likes Camille!



Check the evidence.



These came the day before Valentine's day...



These came the next Friday.



I thought my "secret admirer" (as he calls himself....cuz if it's a girl that's whole other blog post...) was going for gold with 3 in a row but that didn't happen.



For the record I'm not big on the secret admirer thing. I'd prefer the person just be upfront with me....but to each his own. I mean, I tend to beat around the bush, too. But I'm def working on that. I have some ideas about who I think it is.... trust. I am a smart cookie. But there is also the possibility it could be from someone else. or a couple other people. And that, secret admirer, is where you effed up. I decided in my mind the flowers were from one person, what if it's the wrong person and they gonna steal your credit? Nah, I'm playing... At this point, it's whatever to me.



The flowers are sweet, don't get me wrong. I just don't know what you're trying to say. It would help to know who you are? and what you know about me...



some key things to know would be if i'm even interested. Cause flowers just can't change that. Do I have a boyfriend? Well...it don't matter. Cause I don't know who you are....and since it's about to be a month since I got the first ones....I might not care soon. Blame this "i want it now" generation.



Do I sound mean? I really liked the flowers and the thought was great. But a nice gesture is just that....a nice gesture. Doesn't tell me anything about your character. OR who you are. lol... I'm blowing this out of porportion.



Thank you, whoever you are, for the flowers.



I love tulips.

a mouse in the house

I'm not even gonna apologize. Bottom line: if you're reading this blog you still love me. Isn't love all that matters? (no worries, I don't even believe that sh*t myself)

So I wake up and realize that I'm still on this stupid bus sitting next to the fat man whose arm keeps falling on top of mine everytime he drifts to sleep. This guy was snoring so loudly, I could hear him through my good headphones. Usually I get a little embarrassed by how loud my headphones are but this time I wanted to go deaf. And he was the creepy snorer! Loud snort, long snort, short ones, 30 min ones....ugh. Terrible.

So anyway, I wake up and look out to the dismal snowy sky and for the first time in my 22 yr life I said, "I hate Boston." I know, please forgive me you devout Bostonians. But leaving DC's 70 degree weather, where I was strolling around sipping an ice-ice baby strawberry and mango smoothie (yum and thank you Mal for putting me on! smooches) in my new gladiator sandals (my dream! yall know the closer I get to being barefoot the happier I am) was BRUTAL! (that was a long sentence.) I. didn't. want. to. come. home. AT ALL!

My escape from reality was very eventful (so look out for those updates). But the weekend served its purpose - cause your girl is blogging again (which means I found some sense of clarity). I had fun this weekend. Like real fun. Didn't act like an adult for a minute this weekend. But now I have to...I'm gonna be 23 this year.....scary.

You guys know what I blog about: Love and Life. Simple. Don't like it?....find another blog. I didn't mean that...stick with me.

So I come home and the snow was hurtful. Like it really made my toes numb. And then when the warmth came back it hurt like hell. But I trooped it....home....aka Rey's house (cause she has food at her crib and I definitely do not...and cable...and a couch.). The time comes for me to go to my lil attic. Stan helps me upstairs only to be welcomed by a terrible, terrible smell. It kinda smelled like a skunk ate too much ice cream and sprayed and shat all over my walls and floor - except it was clear and dried up.

What caused the smell?

A dead mouse.

Just chillin, dead, by my fridge. Like "yeah mutha effa i live here, too!" Well, no the hell you don't. But the stench was terrible. And Stan's 6 foot 2 punk ass was not going anywhere near that thing. He made that very clear as he ran down the stairs. Call your sister, her shouted back at me. And that's what we did, we made Regine come upstairs and her midget butt had an abundance of courage, valor, balls. and she scooped it and bagged it and dumped it like "wtf is wrong with yall lil bitches, it's just a mouse." (a dead one at that.)

But I couldn't stay there, so here I am back at my sis' house blogging on her new laptop. yep I'm jealous.

But let's revisit this mouse hooplah for a second before I leave you guys for this leather couch, some entertaining as hell urban fiction (I don't usual read that genre), and CABLE. I expected Stan to save the day. He fit the description. Tall, island man. Ain't no one from an island afraid of a mouse. period. I was deceived. It was the person I didn't expect who came to the rescue. No she wasn't a random person. She's always there. Saving the day was nothing to her. Just "the thing to do." See what I'm getting at? (go head...dig a lil deeper). This weekend I learned that the people who will have your back...will have your back. No matter how much it may inconvenience them. Until they day you hurt them. Now that undying, forgiving love... that's what I'm thinking about now. Do you ever let that go? What on earth is better than "the dependable"? answer that....

smooches. I'll be back tomorrow....well later today...promise. It's already scheduled.

Traumatized for LIFE! (combined with the random-est blog ever)

I want no part in a world where REJJIE gets bun and I DON'T!!!!! Damn that redbull or whatever it is keeping me awake, but why do I have to hear this???? WHY!?!?!?!?!?

Cue the white headphones.....ugh.....

very very scary....

And the Randomness begins....

makes me wonder though.....if i wasn't single, I definitely wouldn't be bloggin' right now. hmmmmmmm.....

just a thought.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I haven't blogged about thursday. Can I recover first, geez? That's already a good sign about our Thirstday Finale! So don't even think I'm close to blogging about the weekend.

So I got back to my dorm at what, like 3-something? With no hope of action, I figure since tomorrow is an extremely busy day (the Haitian Parade, a couple grad parties, and good-bye parties at BC :-( ) I should pack up my room nowish. (I'm updating this post as the morning progresses - it's now 5:31am) I want to take a nap soooo badly right now but I have to pack! And if I fall asleep now I'm gonna wake up at like 3 like "OH CRAP!!! THE PARADE!!!!"

So clearing the walls is so fricking BITTER (EFF THE SWEET!) I don't want to go home, I don't want to not have my roomie around (OH and that letter you left on my laptop made me cry btw), I don't want to have to say good-bye to these BC losers. So of course as I'm taking the pix down and the words on the ceiling (what the hell were we thinking....my arms hurt lol) I start to cry. And the tears kinda won't stop. It's just that I've had soooo many memories in this fricking room! There's no way those moments haven't permanently changed me or at least left some sort of impression. (Jen, you got a response coming your way soon...once I can muster up the courage.)

This school year was the first without...ahem...him.... and let's be honest I didn't know if I'd make it at first. A part of me thought I was going to give in...but that's where you guys came in (you know who you are) with all the support a girl could ever need. Thanks! I learned the value of friendships, no matter how random, unexpected, awkward, or confusing they may be.


Thanks to the two people who pretty much aimed me everyday throughout class - making it doable! You two also became two of my fav people. My aimlogger tells me that I talk to you guys too much! lol!

Thanks to the thirsty thursday crew for always giving me something to look forward to...

Thanks to miss roomie for ummm everything.... do you need a list??? Cuz that would be the longest blog post in the world! LOL!

And a very special thanks to miss best who put up with the random texts, the i'll call you backs but I rarely do's, and ALL THE WAKE UP CALLS!!!! So many more classes would have been missed and papers not done if it wasn't for your 8 consecutive phone calls until you give up but I woke up at the last ring but miss the call and call you back and say thanks and ask you to give me 15 more minutes LOL!

Thanks for letting me use you all for my selfish, entertainment, curing boredom, procrastination, BC people irritate me and I try to distance myself as much as possible, purposes.

The more I write this stupidity the more I want to cry...so let's just pretend I didn't blog this....lol...jk

But honestly,

from the depths of my heart - I really love you guys.
Wouldn't trade you for the world...
actually....the world? hmmm let me think about that one and I'll get back to yall....
smooches....

I'm gonna nap from 5:50-6:30 and then finish packing....walk to d&d and get some coffee with EXTRA COFFEE! and then start my day that seems like it won't ever end....something like this blog post. okay i'm done....

CAM!

These are a few of my favorite things

These aren't in any specific order....

A summer thunderstorm: Hopefully my hair is not straightened! Then I can stand outside and get SOAKED! A heavenly shower....can't beat that.

Capri Suns: I hate cherry flavored anything - so no cherry capri suns. But I'm pretty much down with them...I mean I've killed 3 boxes in like 3 days....lol

Falling asleep then waking up an hour later thinking it's the next day: No I'm not talking about when you sleep at 11 and wake up after midnight and it actually is the next day. I'm talking bout those times when you think you missed class or a meeting or that it's the next day's sunset set. I love it....

Watching commercials: I love love love commercials. Dunkin Donuts has me dying in these recent days. lol. "reluctantly helping my friend move"

Falling asleep on the phone: My ex was furious every time I did this. But one of my fav things is lazy conversation, baritone (or just a sweet man voice), warm and comfy bed, and dirty thoughts. I remedy for a perfect night's rest. And there is something about waking up and seeing your phone still connected to him 4 hours later that turns me on.

A great book: C'mon! you knew this was coming. I'm an English major. lol.

An unexpected compliment: Yes, I will always blush.

Silent conversation: Just being there with someone, knowing that you don't need to say anything, and still the time spent is perfect.

This list is a work in progress.....but I'm loving these things now.......

No Fone-Bone Zone Vol. II

It's four in the morning and I'm not talking dirty to you...you....
I hate that song, but it came to mind (unfortunately)

I promise, this is my last post about my lack of fone-bone options. But it's getting to a critical point now. Over lunch on Monday, Kate mentioned that she didn't know how to define where she was at. Like, is she looking, is she not, how single is she, kinda thing. And at first I said, Kate you're just single, and so am I. But now I'm beginning to question.

There are days when the single life is where it's at! And then there are mornings like this, when spooning would be clutch or a slow i might fall asleep on the fone with you phone call would work, too! And not only did I lose all my contacts, I doubt there was someone in that contact list that could provide what I need right now.

The question still remains, am I looking?

I think I want to get tricked into it. You know, a guy who becomes my friend, then my interest, then sneaks into my heart, without me even noticing. And everything is just easy. There wouldn't be a label, because, for me and him, a label wouldn't be necessary. It would be like the single life, minus the uncertainty, minus the lonelies, minus the headache--and instead you'd add the comfort, companionship, and cuddling, and (insert creole word that flows with this alliteration)! And our conversations would be outrageous! We would talk about everything and debate more things and even if we never agreed the passion we both shared would be enough. Lemme stop now, before I let all my secret desires out.

In the meantime I will sleep now at 4:10 ish.... don't call or text til like 2pm---It's senior week for goodness sake!

XOXO
Looking, but not really looking, kinda just keeping one eye open, or just the periphery of my vision, looking for a mid-summer-through-the-cold-months-we-might-even-see-spring fling
CAM!

Am I too easy....

....going?

Late paper? Oh well. Either I come up with a great excuse and get no points off or I take the consequences of my laziness and tardiness like a champ.

Late for a date? (Ha! Like i would ever have a date!) In the rare event that I wouldn't be dressed for at least half hour anticipating the "I'm outside, open the door" text or phone call, because the thought of an actual date would excite me into fury of eager preparation, he'd just have to deal or leave - can't change the past.

I got this from my daddy. He's so easygoing. Never stressed, usually late (lol), and always sharp doing it. (My dad's casual attire consists of nothing short of slacks and a button-up.) And I am just like him, except I love me some sweats and a hoodie.

But I've noticed something. Most of my guy friends (about 15 guys I know well enough to have met their girlfriends and know the general gist of their relationship) always go for the "headache." The girl who gets mad, fights, bitches, invades their space, makes outrageous demands, etc. Why is that?

I rarely get mad, hate to argue, love my personal space, don't invade that of others, don't ask too many questions (if any), rarely yell (shut up, I'm just a loud person), love to laugh, and most of all if you don't wanna be with me I won't force you or ask you to.

Why isn't that appealing?

It's not to say I don't love a good argument or a debate but I'd much rather pleasant, meaningful, silly, pointless, touching conversation.

And that doesn't mean I'm a pushover. Maybe in another lifetime....

Someone explain this to me. 'Cause I'm beginning to not want to embody my 5 Fs anymore! :\

Bostonian Beauty and Cav Bernah: Round 2 Anyone???

Last week I posted about the difference between self-confidence and conceit, and asked if you all thought an entertainer could be faithful. That was more or less the point of Cocky Entertainers.

Apparently Bostonian Beauty and Cav Bernah had alot to say on the topic. They entered an all out blogger war and I think it's only right that we analyze their conversation (a conversation they had when they both should have been at work doing what they are paid to do....shame).

My comments in Green

Bostonian Beauty said...

OMG!!!!! That was absolutely hilarious. [Yes it is hilarious! Thank you BB for appreciating my literary humor]

The bottom line is Mr. Entertainer will cheat if he has no respect for you and above all no respect for himself! If he respects himslef and has a deep moral fiber then you should be safe. I believe that once someone has given you their heart you should treat it as you would your very own beating heart and vice versa!

So can he be faithful? Only he and God knows that truth....

[good point]

Cav Bernah said...

AFTER IM DOING COMMENTING ON THE BLOG I SHALL GET TO YOUR COMMENT BOSTONIAN BEAUTY...

UMMM ALLOW ME TO INTERJECT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNO IM GONNA TAKE A WILD GUESS AND SAY THAT UMM... IM MR NBA SOUND ALIKE.. GOOD ONE CAM. REALLY

NOW FOR THE 1ST PART CONCEITED IS DEFINED AS " having an excessively favorable opinion of one's abilities, appearance, etc." AM I THAT MOST WOULD SAY YES WITHOUT THOUGHT... HOW EVER IMMA DROP SOME JUELZ SO PICK THEM UP (SLANG FOR EDUCATE YOU SO LISTEN/READ)

[hmmm, I think the key word in that definition is "excessively." What in excess is good, besides money (arguably) and orgasms? The Bible says, all things in moderation - where does excess come in?]

THE SYNONYMS FOR CONCEITED ARE AS FOLLOWS vain, proud, egotistical [selfish!!!], self-important, self-satisfied. [There is a whole lot of the word "self" here. If this world had a population of one, you, I could see how that would work out. But bottom line is that we have to interact with other people. You know, like fathers, girlfriends, cashiers, etc.]

HUMM NOW I SAY THAT TO SAY THIS... I BARE ALL THE TRAITS ABOVE BECAUSE THAT IS SOMETHING THAT WAS INSTILLED IN ME AS A CHILD. [silence]. I WAS TAUGHT NEVER TO SETTLE FOR LESS AND NEVER WAIT FOR THE NEXT PERSON TO TELL YOU UR DOING WHAT EVER U DO WELL.. CUZ WE ALL NO THE AVG PERSON WILL POINT OUT A FLAW BEFORE THEY GIVE YOU CREDIT [I agree].. JUST THE FACTS OF LIFE..

ALSO BEING IN THE FIELD THAT I AM IN.. WHERE THERE ARE WOLF..SNAKES.. AND WHERE PEOPLE WILL STEP ON THEY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD TOGET AHEAD.. I HAVE NO ROOM TO SHOW WEAKNESS.. IF YOU A THE LEADER OF THE TEAM AND U SHOW WEAKNESS WHEN EVERY1 LOOKS TO YOU AS THE GO TO MAN.. YA TEAM STARTS NOT BELIEVING.. THE SECOND U SHOW WEAKNESS IN THIS LINE OF WORK U BECOME A STATISTIC.. IF I DONT THINK IM THE HOTTEST NIGGA DOING IT WHO ELSE IS GONNA BELIEVE IT.. I CANT BE IN A MEETING BOUT TO SIGN A DEAL.. AND THE CEO ASK ME IF IM HOT!! AND ME BE LIKE YEA IM GOOD.. NO ONE IS GONNA INVEST IN A.. UMM IM OK.. U GOTTA LOOK HIM DEAD IN HIS EYES.. AND BE LIKE HOT??? EITHER IM THE BEST NIGGAS DOING IT!! OR EVERYONE IS LOSING IT!! PERIOD!! CUZ U ONLY GET ONE CHANCE SOMETIMES U DONT WANNA BLOW IT BY BEING HUMBLE...[Another good point. Although I don't disagree, I wonder if there can be room for humility in the artists life. I am sure Michelangelo didn't have to walk around saying he was the best - his art spoke to that. And Beethoven probably didn't say hire me...I'm the best- you heard it and knew what the deal was. Shouldn't there be some level of "my work tells you all you need to know"? But I also understand that if you don't speak for yourself who will. But you know me, I'm all about balance - even if the balance means 80% cocky, 20% humble]

NOW SELF CONFIDENCE DOES THIS SOUND LIKE SELF SATISFACTION WHICH IS THE SYNONYM FOR CONCEITED

NOW LETS LOOK AT THIS WORD CONFIDENCE IS "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed."(FUNNY THEY USED THIS AS A EXAMPLE)
2. "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him."
[I agree, everyone needs self confidence]
I HAVE AN INDESCRIBABLE AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE IN WHAT I DO.. BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT MY DREAM IS NOT JUST A DREAM ITS IS REALITY AND I WILL OBTAIN IT BY ANY MEANS.. AND I SAY THAT TO SAY THIS.. IF I WAS SITTING ON MY ASS RAPPING ABOUT SHIT, NOT MAKING MOVES, TRAVELING, NETWORKING DOING SHOWS, AND ALL THE OTHER GROUND WORK.. AND WAS SITTING AT HOME LIKE IM NOT GONNA WORK.. IM NOT GONNA DO NUTTIN IMMA SIT HERE AND RAP CUZ IM NICE AND IMMA GET SIGNED.. THEN IF U CALL ME CONCIETED THEN I WILL UNDERSTAND
BUT WHAT I HAVE IS AMBITION, DRIVE, AND IM SO FOCUSED ON THE TASK AT HAND ... I CAN SEE WHERE PEOPLE MISTAKE IT AS CONCEITED.. ITS A CATCH 22 IF U ASK ME

AS FAR AS FOR THE SHIRTS WITH MY NAME ITS A FORM OF MARKETING (WHICH MY DEGREE IS IN) THE MORE PEOPLE SEE IT THE MORE IT BECOMES A BRAND)
[geez i was just asking... lol]
CAV BERNAH IS A BRAND JUST LIKE SEAN JOHN, VERSACHE [It's VERSACE] ETC MUSIC IS THE PRODUCT U GOTTA DEVELOP THE NAME B4 N E ONE WANTS THE PRODUCT.. BUILD AWARENESS YA NO... IF I DONT START DOING IT.. WHO ELSE IS GONNA ROC A CAV BERNAH SHIRT TO PROMOTE ME. IT HAS TO START WITH ME.. THEN PEOPLE CATCH ON LATA.. ONE WORD TREND SETTER..[that's two words - sorry i had to! lol i <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">NOW FOR THE FAITHFUL PART.. MR ENTERTAINER.. ENTERTAINS ITS A IMAGE.. ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE DAY.. ITS THE END RESULT IT HAS NUTTIN TO DO WITH RESPECT [Cheating is a complete and utter lack of respect for the person you are with. You are saying I no longer respect your feelings or this relationship --unless you are swingers or in an open relationship (an open relationship ain't even a relationship to me and don't get me started on that whole swinging thang)].. ITS ABOUT BEING WITH SOME1 THAT WILL EXCEPT U AND ALL UR FLAWS EVEN IF ITS SLEEPIN WITH OTHER GURLS.[are you kidding me! now i know you're just saying that for the sake of an argument]. SMOKING CRACK.. STEALING ETC.. IF SHE GONNA BE THERE THATS WHAT THEY CALL RIDE OR DIE CHICK [Umm no sweets, you got that whole ride or die chick thing wrong - no worries jen and I are working on a post about that one - but I can tell you this, a ride or die chick puts up with a lot of shit, but in order to be a ride-or-die chick you do NOT tolerate cheating. Look for more info on that coming soon]

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT BACK

BTW WWW.MYSPACE.COM/CAVBERNAH
CHECK OUT MY PG..

U KNOW I HAD TO GET A PLUG... HAHA

Bostonian Beauty said...

Well Mr. NBA - How would you honestly feel if your girl stayed sleeping around with other men while the two of you are together? Do you think that she has respect for you? Would you have respect for her if you knew those things about her? [good questions, not just 'cause she is my sister ;-)]

*Say what you mean and mean what you say*

Cav Bernah said...

DEAR MISS BOSTON

TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION I WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT IF SHE WAS LIKE THAT FROM THE JUMP... IT WOULD BE SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH OR CHANGE IF I WANTED TO BE WITH HER ... BUT I WOULD TAKE INTO FACT IF I CANT CHANGE HER (CUZ ITS HARD TO CHANGE PEOPLE) WOULD I BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH ME BEING AWAY AND HER PHYSICALLY BEING WITH SOME1 ELSE.. AND IF HER HEART IS WITH ME THEN THATS A VARIABLE THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE.. NOT SAYING THIS IS RIGHT.. BUT LOVE MAKES U DO UNORTHODOX THINGS.. "COME AS UR ARE" THE BIBLE SAYS THAT.. HE LOVES US AS WE ARE.. KINDA WORKS THE SAME WAY.. LOVE HER AS SHE IS.. FLAWS AND ALL...[I think we should accepts someone's flaws as long as they do not conflict with respect. cheating is disrespectful, at the very least (well to me at least). But if the person you are with or you can accept that, then by all means lower your standards, and accept that neither he/she/you are good enough to fulfill all a person's needs. Some people like feeling inadequate. The Bible Says "come as you are" because God knows that once you come to him, changes will be made in your life. It's about the change there. Don't come and STAY as you are, 'cause when your are in God's hands you can only change to be more like him. And being more like him would be "being love." This same love, the Bible defines not only through the example of Christ's sacrifice, but also in I Corinthians

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

It's okay....take a moment and process...]

*SAID WHAT I MENT AND MENT WHAT I SAID.. GOT IT :)*

Bostonian Beauty said...

Come as you are the good book says. You are still young and learning. I hope that you find someone (to share a life with) who will agree with your theory. There are a lot of variables when it comes down to guy/girl relationships.

I've been there and done that with cheaters and I'm shameful [don't be ashamed...lessons of life] to admit men who physically hurt me. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. They did not respect me or themselves. If I'm not cheating neither should you and vice versa. If you are not happy with your significant other leave!

Cheating is not ok! For a million reasons. And so those hoes that you plan on cheating with I hope you get medical records before you bone cause condoms aren't always safe!!!!

If my man is good to me and I will stand by his side. Even when very very tough times arise. But if his flaw is inflicting mental, physical verbal and emotional abuse - I'm gettin gone (and yes I would consider cheating all of the above). HE can stay I'll leave!

You have yet to experience hurt at that magnitude!

[nodding...]

Cav Bernah said...

DEAR MISS MASSASCHUSTTS [my sis is gorgeous, isn't she?]

IM NOT SAYIN I CONDON CHEATERS! IM SIMPLY SAYING THAT EVERY1 SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.. IT MIGHT NOT HURT A FEMALE MORE TO LEAVE A GUY THEN TO JUST DEAL WITH HIS CHEATING OR ANYTHING ELSE.. [I'm gonna need you to explain this one...blog it]

AND AS FAR FOR ME.. I BEEN ON BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE..

SO IM SPEAKING FROM BOTH SIDES.. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES REMEMBER THAT..
SOMETIMES IT TAKES A MISTAKE TO MAKE ONE RELIZED THAT WHAT HE HAS IS SPECIAL AND IF YOU DONT FORGIVE HOW WILL U KNO!!

ITS ONLY A MISTAKE IF YOU DONT LEARN FROM IT MISS MASS..

:)

HOPE I AINT HIT A SOFT SPOT!

Bostonian Beauty said...

No soft spot hit at all.

I don't believe that there is ever an excuse to cheat. I have never and will never cheat. Its not me. If I'm not happy I will deal or leave. Its that simple. I've been forgiving cheaters most of my adult life. I'm just over it now. Let me deal with something different!

What works for me may not work for you! I guess maybe it does depend on the person. But give people chance to have their say so about what they are getting themselves into.

Cav Bernah said...

RESPECT

I AGREE WHAT WORKS FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR U.. WHICH MAKES U, U AND MAKES ME, ME

LOL

U JUST KNOW HOW TO PIC THEM.. U AND YA SIS HAVE THAT IN COMMON I GUESS LOL .. LOVE YA CAM ;) [When the argument weakens, low blows ensue lolol]

And now I am done....to read the rest of their bickering (lol) read the comments from the post.

Care to respond anyone....?

Fact or Fiction - My Martian Best Friend

Drunken dancing. The lights are on at the club and I just want to go home. I've never regretted 4.5 inch heels more. And I wasn't even dancing the whole night! I start to walk across the dance floor and slip - spilled drinks and leather soles don't mix.

He catches me by the back and arm, and saved me from the embarrassment of falling in the middle of the club in a mini-skirt.

"Awwww damn! that's so embarrassing!" I look at him. "Am I that drunk girl that falls in the club?"
"Yes."
"AWWWWWWW DAMN!"
"But you're the hot girl that almost falls in the club."
Immediate blushing takes place. (Yes I can blush, sadly. Makes it so damn hard to hide emotion)

We walk out of the club and he's holding me up or I'm just letting him out of laziness. I think I am allowed that pass because I had about 6 shots of Gold when I could no longer count (that just means I was on a roll and probably would've kept on rolling, 'til I was rolling on the floor).

We walk and talk, and we're talking about....well...anything. We usually just talk about anything. I ask silly questions that lead to serious answers, 'cause I guess deep down I was being serious. "How come you never holla'd at me?"
"I did."
I stop walking.
"Whennnn!?" still very drunk.
"You were just too busy with...other things. But I definitely did." He says this with a cool smile I hate him for.
"Let's keep walking before people start asking questions."

We walk and the drama queen I become when I am drunk stops him again at the side of the building. This time torrents of tears exit my eyes.

He asks what anyone would "why are you crying?"

I can't say that I know.

And in the way only he can handle and calm "drunk me" we get to the car and he promises to talk about this later, when we get to our next destination.

[rewind: I was both pissed and sad in the club. I found out the day before that my dad has cancer; and ex-person of mine said all the right things to piss me off. Add that as an explanation to the tears.]

We sit in the back seat of his car. And he listens to all I have to say [and you all know drunk-me says A LOT...I don't know why I just can't stop!] He hears and already knows all my secrets. And I hate him for that, too. Mainly because he takes everything so easy, and acts like it's nothing. I don't think I've ever seen him lose swag points. A man with untouched swag? Can't exist--that's just unfair. If we were together, I guess it would balance out, 'cause I lose swag points all the time [that's a part of my swag game]. But let's face it I lose the allotted amount of swag points. For example, drunk and slip on the wet floor in the club, could've happened to anyone, but it happened to me, so deduct points. Man disrespects you in public, and you take it, BAD HIT! that's 25/100pts (nonrefundable) gone instantly. Anyway, went off on a tangent there.... ;-)

And then I asked the necessary question: "why aren't we together?" I guess you have to ask that question to help define a male-female close non-sexual relationship, in order to rid your brain of all the what ifs. He gave me an interesting answer, can't really make sense of it--but I think his response drew a clear, solid line making us just friends (exactly as it's always been). Then I proceed to make a huge deal about his girlfriend.

Meanwhile we were in the car for so long and the tearful torrents had me looking a mess, so, in order to make our loooong convo in the back seat (wink wink....ok ok jk) not suspicious, I had to take another swag deduction. He told everyone I was yakking outside! yay me! Even though I wasn't.

Oh, did I mention I made a huge deal about his girlfriend. Oh yeah, I did...but that's just how huge the deal was!

Anyway.... what do you think, fact or fiction? What do you think about the situation?

Upcoming Events:

I don't know if you missed the Bostonian Beauty/Cav Bernah argument/discussion/battle, but I think that is something worth examining! Look for that soon!

Also, some of you received an email from me asking you what you thought it meant to be or have a ride or die chick. Thanks for your responses - now is your last chance before what I believe and some of what you believe defines what it means to be a ride or die chick once and for all.

ALSO! My half-birthday is in 19 days! Yes, the inevitable havoc wreaking will take place. Gifts are not necessary, but are strongly welcomed. ESPECIALLY THAT PERSON WHO LIED AND SAID HE/SHE GOT ME A GIFT AND JUST NEVER GAVE IT TO ME!

ok. that's all...

XOXfrickingO
CAM!

Travel Prohibited in “Break-up” Lane

[December 2007]

I started writing this post, got to about 2 paragraphs, and then I deleted what I wrote. I started off by telling you what not to do during a break-up, but then I stopped and realized that all situations are different. But I will tell you about my situation; and what I’ve learned is that sometimes we relate to and learn best from other people’s experiences. So here’s my story.

Communication was impossible. I wanted to be alone. Not just single, but alone. Single, to me, implies that I once was not single and at some point I plan not to be. I wanted nothing. Sometimes I wanted to pretend that I was never in a relationship and sometimes I wanted to think only of a perfect future relationship. But there was a definitive moment towards the end, when I knew that this relationship would not work. And I should have told him that. I should have just said “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting his feelings; I was afraid of him not having anyone else to turn to; I was afraid of being alone after becoming so accustomed to someone; I was afraid that this failed relationship meant I was broken and that I would never be in a good relationship again. I was afraid of many things, some things, even, that I cannot remember now.

But my main mistake was that I didn’t stop and make a clean, clear, and uncomplicated break from the relationship. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t talking to anyone, I wasn’t messing with anyone, but I did have “friends.” These friends were guys that I spoke to, usually about the break-up, and although I never crossed the line I saw some potential in these guys as potential boyfriends. It clouded my mind and my judgment of my relationship. Just the proactive thought of looking for a replacement made me think that I could in fact replace my ex and this relationship. I now understand that you cannot replace a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a relationship. It is a part of your life and it cannot change after it has existed. Its meaning can change but it most definitely cannot be replaced.

I cannot imagine how much more complicated my break-up would have been if I was involved with somebody. I would have entered the realm of comparisons and I probably would have been ok with my relationship and thought “well I guess I can deal with this since I have a back-up plan.” And I would have entered the realm of becoming a cheater. Or worse: a compulsive cheater and liar. It took longer to end because after almost three years I grew accustomed to a lifestyle. And I was afraid of what change would mean.

This change that I was so afraid of taught me so much about myself and what I wanted for myself. My recommendation to myself in the unfortunate, yet [if] necessary, event of another break-up, is to make a temporary detachment from any guys who I think I might like, or who like me. I need to be clear-headed and think only about my relationship and the two people involved: me and my bf. So for me: travel prohibited in break-up lane.

No Fone-Bone Zone

It's a Friday night and I am NOT feeling all right! Here's my prob:

I'm doing gas at mobile on blue hill (it cost 50.65!!!! to fill up lil 4 cylinder Daicy! That's just unethical) when 35yr old, maybe gay homeboy starts killing me with the compliments. I mean I thought I looked all right- my hair was growing by the second because of the rain. But , I repeat, he was killing me with the compliments! Told me I was gorgeous hehehehe...I'm sorry but I can be a sucker sometimes and that word always gets me. And believe it or not, but RARELY do I get complimented or talked to by the opposite sex when I'm out. I know I know it's so shocking! How can the whole world not stop and admire beauty such as mine when graced with the opportunity!? But he MADE me take his number! And by made, I mean he parked his car in front of me blocking me until I took his number. Call me, he begged, on your way home....

Yeah okay, dude (rolling my eyes).

So it's Friday night and my ipod is dead an I'm trying not to listen to the radio so I start searching for someone to call and keep me entertained for 45 minutes. I ran through the list of potential mates in my head. Finished the list pretty quickly! (It's not hard to count to zero-takes no time at all) Then I thought of all the funny people. DC was knocked, ED was occupied (entertained me for a couple of minutes, thanks :-)) Just so you can understand my desperation, I even called BUTTA! (i am smh toooooo) And--don't judge me-- I even thought about calling Mr. Gas Station.....

I can't believe I just admitted that...

Most of you reading this probably got an "I'm bored" or "boredom kills" text or aim message...and most of you ignored me...and by most, I mean all....

And that's probably because you were fone-boning or boning or doing something (the exact opposite of what I was doing)
But why does an attractive 21yr old not have anyone to fone bone with???? I don't flipping know. Apparently, I am qween of the da no fone-bone zone. And like a no fly zone, boys come as often as planes...never!

Is this what one becomes after a 3yr relationship? Had no idea blogging and sudoku were the activities of choice on a friday night......

He threw it at me! What, was I not supposed to catch it?

He threw it at me! What, was I not supposed to catch it? - Fafa

Ladies and gents, is it okay to accept "favors" from people we aren't interested in, even though we know they sweating us?

On dating, marriage, and secrets.

This post was brought on by a friend of mine, who I didn't sit in a car with last night and talk about this. Because I didn't see you yesterday.

My dad always asks me if I have a boyfriend and even if the answer was yes I probably would say no. But the answer is no. I don't have a boyfriend and lately I've been saying that I don't want a boyfriend for another 2-3 years. (What? you thought I was gonna say months?) And there are several good reasons I don't feel I am ready for a boyfriend now:

1. I get companionship from my male and female closest and best friends.
2. I still need time from my last break up.
3. I like not having to worry exclusively about how someone else is feeling, because I am still learning how to care mainly about mine.
4. I like the "freedom." Please pardon my use of this word. I know being in a relationship does not mean that you are a captive. But, single, I am able to be the spontaneous person I once was without having to worry about how my actions will affect someone else.
5. I get to give myself all the attention I would have shared with someone else... (hehehehehehe...selfish is good so far)
6. I like not being called "ex's girlfriend."
7. Being single and looking into other people's relationships is one of the best ways to learn about relationships, what I want, what I don't want, etc.
(you know I had to stop at 7)

But honestly, I can see myself shying away from a long-term serious relationship because I am at a point of decisions and changes in my life. Jobs, graduation, clothing line, more school, more work -- all these things requiring time. I want to give these things all I have so that I know the outcome is is exactly what it could and should be. In a relationship you gotta put in time and work as well. And it's not that I can't balance it, I won't balance it. If I'm in a relationship, I would hate to see it suffer because I work to much or study too much (the day that happens...). And I would hate not to do my best in school or work because of a relationship.

So here's my solution (and problem): casual and group dating.
Problem: Dating leads to the following: relationships, drama, engagements, marriages, sex, etc.....

So I throw the word casual in there. No throw the casual sex thought out of your head. I said dating. Like going to a karaoke bar on a random Wednesday and actually singing with your best friend and the two guys you're with. Having fun. Like what happens most Saturday nights when I go out with my favs.

And for clarity and situational definition: they can be no touching - because touching leads to feelings (hurt feelings at times).

Problem: If I'm off the dating market for a few years while everyone else is on the market, I will be rusty. Granted my goods will be preserved longer (based on the non-use) but everyone else would have all this experience. And let's face it, it will probably end with it being a bad experience. And most people also don't know how to deal with and move on from bad experiences, so they are carrying all that baggage along with them. SO I'm gonna be re-entering a market of damaged goods. Damn. So much for my marriage plans.

Maybe I should date seriously while younger and find someone less damaged and marry soon with less baggage.

Or do I cross my fingers and hope that as we all make this journey through adulthood that we learn valuable lessons and mature, making our next relationship at least, if not the best it can be, better than our last one.

A secret "friend" counts. Just cause no one knows about it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Is that true? Hmmm...help me. I'm clearly confused...

of fiances, exes, and cavemen

I sat in PF Chang's today with my sister. We started talking about random things on the walk from her job to the restaurant, but once our butts hit the booths the conversation turned to men...boys...males....whateva. I spent most of dinner listening to her tell me about her serious boyfriend and how things were between them. I refuse to blog about other people's relationships, but she did say somethings to me that stuck. She said all she wants is for him to "say what he means, and mean what he says." That reminded me of Horton Hears a Who (I saw that with my nephews and queen niece) when the elephant (Horton) says: "I meant what I said, I said what I meant. An elephant stays faithful 100 percent." Damn. Can I date an elephant please!? She also said something along the lines of communication kills conflict. 'Nuff siad, but the English major part of me must elaborate. Communicate and you will resolve issues. I think we are afraid to communicate because we are afraid the resolution to problems will be negative. Embrace resolutions and honest communication.

Meanwhile, I've concluded there are no single, straight, attractive guys in Boston. I think I looked cute today (Jen can co-sign (I hope), she seen me) yet no cutie stopped me on my way down Boylston, or while cruising Downtown. What the flip. I'm not looking for a boyfriend (I don't think) but can a girl get some attention. It was 80 degrees today for goodness sake! No carnal attractions brought on by the mini heatwave???? WOW!


I also thought about why a certain person is still in my life. Why do I communicate with him? What do I gain from it? I need to answer these questions...NOW ish. Because a lot of the time I want to erase everything about him from my memory, but yet I allow him to remain. I'm thinking. I mean, I know I'm not in love with him, I don't wanna be with him, and I don't lead him on. So....hmmmm...idk man....I'm thinking...

Always gotta end on a happy note. So here it is, your moment of zen: "the b**** was so easy, a caveman could do her." HA! Thanks Fabolous for making me laugh out loud on the train at that one.