"Crime of innocence" was a term I had to define in relation to the book Tar Baby on my final yesterday. I had no idea what that was about, and I still don't but that term just sounds crucial. "Crime of Innocence!"
SO! All good things must come to an end, right? YEP! And this "Gretchen is always happy" thing just might be headed to where all good things go...I'm hanging from the end of the rope here. And as good as things seemed maybe a week ago or a month a go, my hindsight is getting clearer and I'm looking at things in the BIG PICTURE! And the big picture doesn't seem to be anything special - it's kinda ugly actually. So many things are just going wrong now and things that I pushed out of my mind for MONTHS- YEARS EVEN!!!- are jumping to the forefront of my mind... all at once...and I can't deal. And here is where the problem comes in....I can't deal, but I know of someone who can take care of all my problems and issues...but I don't know Him like that...how can I ask Him to make it all right???
So now i just feel helpless and hopeless. In the world of bone marrow transplants, seven stab wounds, divorce, depression, and anger - what could I possibly do?? Absolutely nothing. And Go ahead tell me to pray, tell me to ask God. How am I supposed to do that if I don't even think my knees can bend enough to pray. My will, my pride, my shame, and knowing I'm gonna do all the things i say i won't push me away from praying - push me away from lying to God. How can I ask him to make changes in the lives of others, when I don't want him to fix mine? Surprised, 'cause i said i don't want him to fix mine? Don't be - that's obvious. Maybe i'm just not willing to be that hypocrite who was once all bad and now "is high and mighty." What's tougher than not wanting to be bad??? Tryna be good! How do you run from temptations, when that's all that surrounds you in life??? Just forget about my whole life? Drop everyone and everything? I'm sorry to disappoint, but if you're looking for a positive ending to this post....guess again....
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
Na i feel you... sadly I haven't prayed in so long because I realized that everything I should be praying for I don't really want and that makes me feel worse to pray for God to change me and all that when I know that I don't really want to be change. I can't front to God. I feel you on the feeling helpless and I don't feel like things are going to get better. I'm at the point where things have been bad for so long that I've accepted that that's how my life was supposed to be... I no longer expect any bright hopeful days, life is what it is. So until i'm ready to really mean the words that I pray and believe again that my life wasn't meant to be miserable then..... life is what it is
Post a Comment