I'm not ready for love - but I am ready for life!

Okay, so as you may or may not know, I was in a serious relationship for nearly 3 years. I gave it a whole lot of my time and most of my heart and soul and in the end it proved to be near worthless. I felt used and I was hurt but over the past few months I have been working on getting over the relationship and him. Along this journey I have learned that I will not forget most of the things that happened and that I have no choice but to use them and move on. And now I can safely and HONESTLY (especially cuz it's December) say that I AM OVER IT!!!! He called me this weekend to say "Never contact me again, and LEAVE ME ALONE!" and I wasn't remotely phased by what he said. The me three months ago might have cried and would have definitely called him back and beg him for forgiveness or an explanation at least. The me now deleted his contact info and all his history through my texts and emails...It didn't feel petty- it actually relieved me. I loved him once, but as a friend he has proved unpromising and I don't even like him much anymore. He was for me at a different place in my life--and I can accept that. SO I am definitely moving on....

....But just because I am moving on doesn't mean that I am moving on to another guy. I was listening to India Arie sing that she is ready for love and I realized that I am not.  And I don't wanna be for a while. I want to be fully at a point where I love and appreciate myself, where my life and my future love life isn't defined by the mistakes I made in the past. I want it to be new and exciting for all the right reasons - not just a rebound! I want to really want to be with him, not just because I think it's the next logical step down the path of our friendship. I want to date and just get to know people, but not exclusively (hold that promiscuity thought growing in your head). I want to have fun and laugh, I want to feel lonely and not think about how things coulda been. I want to be alone with myself and just love myself.  And then if everything goes as planned (although my suspicions say otherwise) I would consider a relationship with the RIGHT guy - and I don't know who he is or who I expect him to be because I still have a little bit more road the trek on this self-discovery journey. And only after I know me can I know what me wants. That sounds and feels good. Meanwhile when I get lonely I have all of you to talk to and occupy my time and energy. (Thanks for letting me use you!)

....So about life...I have tried not to think about the future because to me the future was so limited. I couldn't see past the high expectations my parents have of me (which scare the crap outta me and limit me that way) and the short comings of my older siblings. I felt so incapable to be the person I want to  be and should be. My goals always had a way of seeming too lofty. I was talking with Rejj and Jen, and Rejj said remember that time you were talking about all the things you were gonna be and all the money you were gonna make and I got a little embarrassed about how obnoxious I must have sounded. BUT WHY??? Why can't I do all those things and become a news anchor, or own my own clothing company, or become a judge, or a wealthy lawyer, or a successful writer. All of these are possibilities and all of these are things I would love to do....Why let insecurity and doubt win? Why let the fear or rejection stop me in my tracks and make me turn the other way? After I asked myself these questions I came to this conclusion: Over the break I will work on both my writing and design portfolio and apply to about 30 jobs for each portfolio and see what I can turn up. Because the only way I won't become any of the aforementioned is if I don't try to be! Sounds cheesy, right? But I found that the "cheesy" usually IS right....