friend. girlfriend. fiance. wife.

"You're crazy." I laughed it off and said "I'll be back". I had said "It's not that serious" enough times that day for the rest of my life. Chuckling I walked out the room and was half way down the hall when I heard the door shut behind me. I went to a meeting or something for a couple hours and was heading back to his dorm room. We had been fighting over a picture [J] put up on facebook at her graduation cook out. (facebook is evil.) I was sitting on the floor leaning against a couch. A boy [K's love at the time] had dove down on the ground to hop in the picture with me. His head looked like it was on my lap, but it wasn't. I explained this to him. But he just didn't like the picture, so I made [j] take it down. I had never done anything to make him doubt my faithfulness. An innocent picture. (real innocent. ask [j])

His demeanor had changed. He was laughing and if my memory serves me right he was watching a game on TV. He was bonding with his roommate.

"What's going on?" I asked with a pleasant, relieved smile.
He glared at me sitting on his couch and said in the emptiest tone "you're packing." He pointed to his duffel bag on the floor. "I got most of your shit in there but I'm sure you got some stuff around here. I want the bag back so you can bring that back when you finish bringing your shit back to your room."

I wasn't just shocked, I wasn't just offended, I wasn't just hurt - but I was definitely obedient. I rose from the couch and went to the bathroom; I gathered my razors, and hair dryer, and tooth brush from this newly cleaned bathroom. I had finished scrubbing this male bathroom back to its original whiteness just a few hours ago. I found a couple clothing items in his room and quickly put them in the bag. I turned to the kitchen and realized that carrying all the food back to my room would be such a hassle.

I finish packing and I tell him I'm done, hoping that he will say stop or no don't leave, I'm sorry. He says nothing. "Babe, what did I do wrong?" I plead with him. "Let me know and I'll fix it!" I grab his arm and look in his eyes with the most sincere look on my face. "Why do I have to leave? Let me stay, with you. I can fix this. Just tell me what I have to do!"
"You have to leave" he says. Staring at the tv.
"I hate when you do this!" I was getting emotional. A tear had formed.
"Hell no. You ain't crying here! Why the fuck are you crying? Yo, just get your shit, and get out."
"I'm crying because I don't want to leave. What does this mean? Is it over?"
"Is that what you want?"
"NOO!" A flood of tears.
He laughs. "Nah, I'm through"

You didn't hear that? My heart just explode in my chest. You didn't hear it?

I didn't pull away from him. I moved closer.
"Baby, please" I beg. I beg. I beg.
"why the fuck are you still here?"
He grabbed my arm and pushed and brought me to his door. He went back for the bag and tossed it outside. "Leave."
The door slammed in my face. But I knew the code. I couldn't open it though because he wasn't leaning against it. I banged on the door and I screamed at him. I begged him. He opened it, and just when I thought he was gonna let me in. He was telling to shut up so I wouldn't disturb his neighbors. I lost and couldn't even make it to the elevator. I dropped his bag somewhere in the hallway, grabbed my cell phone and found a corner in the lounge.

I called my best friend, one of two friends I had at the time, and cried. And tried to talk but the tears made it hard. I'm sure, if I could translate through the muffled words and sniffles it was something like this:

"After all I've done. I fucking cook, I fucking clean, I fucking do everything. He wanted me to stay in his fucking room. I wanted my space, a place of my own. But he doesn't want me to leave. he wants see me all the time. What? when it's convenient for him? I've given him a year and a half of me. ALL OF ME! and this is is what I get. He tells me I've been slutting around when I ain't. He tells me he can't trust me when I am always with him. When was the last time you seen me? When was the last time I chilled with you guys?? He sees a picture and assumes the worst in the person he is supposed to love. what the fuck. and all I do is love him. I trust him with everything. You know i put up with all his shit, his stank attitude, his fucking demands, I do it all... For what? so he can fucking kick me out a place he begged me to stay in? I'm so fucking stupid. Now where do I go? back to my room? my roommate and her boyfriend done took over that place. And I don't even know the other girls anymore, haven't seen them in months. [J] is all the way on upper. I just don't wanna hear what they are gonna say. I picked him over everyone and now i have nothing.

Through my tears she reminds me that I paid for my housing so I have every right to my room. She reminds me that I still have her. No matter what. She tells me I can start over. There are plenty of new people I can meet, places to go. I'm a beautiful girl, she tells me. The people in my life are lucky to have me, and if they can't see that, their loss. Leave. I do. I go back to my room and realize that I brought all my blankets to his room, cause they were more comfortable than his. I cry myself to sleep and never in my life have i ever felt that useless. I felt my broken heart in the back of my throat, it was impossible to speak. My inner pain turned to physical pain. I felt sick. Yet, all I wanted was to hear his voice. He had become my security blanket. My everything. The person I ran to, when my mom said I was going to hell. The guy I spoke to when I never heard from my father or brother. The friend who always had time for me - even if we were fighting. The face I always saw. I didn't want another face.

But

How could he hurt me like this? I let him.

~

I've noticed that the things I feel very strongly about have a personal story attached to it. So when I say I will never move into man's apartment (unless he's a roommate) I mean I will never move into a man's apartment. And when I say I will never be a wifee again, I mean I will never be a wifee again.

Yes, we got back together- and maybe, it was the very next day. And yes, he came and got me and brought my things back to his room. But it was never the same. I never felt at home again. And when he moved off campus and got an apartment, I rarely stayed there. Because I will never let someone kick me out again.

I've learned that one-sided giving leads to one-sided taking. It is easy to take advantage of someone who loves you desperately. "they will always be there to do this..." And a part of me thought that he could never just love me, without the cooking, and the cleaning, and the papers, and the everything else. And that's just because I depended on someone else to love me, when I should depended on me to love me. Not to say I will never do things for a man (hell, I want to be a stay at home mom if I am financially well-off) but I will never let the things I do for a man define my place in a relationship. Reciprocity will be the only word that matters. And when I scratch his back he will massage mine for hours.

I'm not chanting feminism. I believe men and women have different roles (a personal opinion) but I am learning that independence is necessary, especially in a world where many men don't know their responsibilities to the women in their lives. I will cook food for me, clean for me, pay my rent, and do everything else for me. But that doesn't mean I don't care or won't care about you. But I will never be a wifee.

If I'm your wifee, you will see "long-term potential" in me, have all these expectations of a wife, and i will have no wife security. What happens if you leave? I just gave you the wifee me and now I have nothing. And when the show is over and we are done playing house, I don't even get half. Just a broken heart and whole lot of lost time.

So I'm sorry, until there is security and a promise of devotion, you cannot w.i.f.e me.

A wife? Someday and forever. Never again, a wifee.