my lips are sealed

I partied. And so did you. This weekend felt like a week. I was around so many people in so many different situations and it brought on so many different feelings. And in just one day, today, I thought the thoughts of an entire month. I am not bold enough to share 95% of them. (I should probably call this blog 5% (why not?).)

Sometimes people write the things they can't say..

Here are the things I never could.

1. I love you. I wanted to be with you. Just wasn't brave enough. I know I could have been everything you would need or want. Had no assurance you'd want me. Funny. Praying I won't regret it, but it feels like one of those things I just might.

2. My favorite color is black. It's the only color I can stare at, as I fly through a dark abyss in my mind and just think.

3. Sometimes I feel hate is safer than love. Even though I know love is worth the danger.

4. I'm doing [this] now because I want desperately to believe that maybe I'll have a second chance. That maybe this huge risk I am taking, will not hurt me, like it did the first time. I'm hoping that something that is wrong just might become right.

5. You told me what I was wearing the first time we kissed. You told me where the birthmark was on my face, the day after you met me. You told me I was unique, that behind all my silliness was extreme intelligence, unpredictable, and that aside from my gorgeous looks, I am motivated and determined. I don't think I'll forget that (or you)...ever.

6. I know you will always be there for me. And I'm scared now, because I question if I will always be there for you.

7. "You're top of the line" you told me. That I know I will never forget. I smiled all the way home. Woke up with a smile, too.

8. I never thought you could hurt me like you did. I try to forget what you did, but it visits me in my dreams and haunts me in my darkness moments. Tears still overwhelm my eyes. But I am learning to forgive you. And one day I will even forget.

9. Because I want you [here], I will settle for friendship.

10. I lie.

11. The night I came [home] and you let me sleep in your bed, after I had an extremely emotional fit of tears, screamed about how I didn't want to be this person I was becoming, in this situation that I did and didn't want to be in, and you put you arms around me and cuddled with me , after I woke you up crying at 3am -- i think that is the definition of friendship.


"...to all those souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"
~one tree hill

I like the heroine in a novel who fights against the fear. And overcomes. I want to be her.

PS- maybe if I am brave enough I'll text you the number that corresponds to you - if you don't already know it. maybe...