Travel Prohibited in “Break-up” Lane

[December 2007]

I started writing this post, got to about 2 paragraphs, and then I deleted what I wrote. I started off by telling you what not to do during a break-up, but then I stopped and realized that all situations are different. But I will tell you about my situation; and what I’ve learned is that sometimes we relate to and learn best from other people’s experiences. So here’s my story.

Communication was impossible. I wanted to be alone. Not just single, but alone. Single, to me, implies that I once was not single and at some point I plan not to be. I wanted nothing. Sometimes I wanted to pretend that I was never in a relationship and sometimes I wanted to think only of a perfect future relationship. But there was a definitive moment towards the end, when I knew that this relationship would not work. And I should have told him that. I should have just said “I don’t want to be in this relationship.” But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting his feelings; I was afraid of him not having anyone else to turn to; I was afraid of being alone after becoming so accustomed to someone; I was afraid that this failed relationship meant I was broken and that I would never be in a good relationship again. I was afraid of many things, some things, even, that I cannot remember now.

But my main mistake was that I didn’t stop and make a clean, clear, and uncomplicated break from the relationship. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t talking to anyone, I wasn’t messing with anyone, but I did have “friends.” These friends were guys that I spoke to, usually about the break-up, and although I never crossed the line I saw some potential in these guys as potential boyfriends. It clouded my mind and my judgment of my relationship. Just the proactive thought of looking for a replacement made me think that I could in fact replace my ex and this relationship. I now understand that you cannot replace a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a relationship. It is a part of your life and it cannot change after it has existed. Its meaning can change but it most definitely cannot be replaced.

I cannot imagine how much more complicated my break-up would have been if I was involved with somebody. I would have entered the realm of comparisons and I probably would have been ok with my relationship and thought “well I guess I can deal with this since I have a back-up plan.” And I would have entered the realm of becoming a cheater. Or worse: a compulsive cheater and liar. It took longer to end because after almost three years I grew accustomed to a lifestyle. And I was afraid of what change would mean.

This change that I was so afraid of taught me so much about myself and what I wanted for myself. My recommendation to myself in the unfortunate, yet [if] necessary, event of another break-up, is to make a temporary detachment from any guys who I think I might like, or who like me. I need to be clear-headed and think only about my relationship and the two people involved: me and my bf. So for me: travel prohibited in break-up lane.